Friday, March 22, 2013

Bringing Sexy Back {Mom Style}

I'm talking about that feeling when you are all dressed up to go somewhere fancy. You are walking around your house with the unfamiliar tap of your heels that are uncomfortable but look mighty fine. Remember how you would put on your sexiest bra - the one with so much padding you could double it over and use it as a pillow in a pinch. But it's red and lacy and therefore sexy (even if my boobs come off when it does). And how about when shit is getting real fancy and your panties match your bra! Who is that carefree lady with the summer smooth legs?

Tell me about that old friend I met in the bathroom mirror at her husband's company work party. This is her second night out since her five month old was born. She's been looking forward to this night for months and she spent from noon on locked in her room - curling, bronzing, tucking, belting and finally emerged just early enough to eat a granola bar and run back and change one more time before leaving.  She is held together by a layer of Spanx and fueled by coffee, booze and the hope that they would play her 'jam' so she can ride this wave of feeling unbound and beautiful tonight.

Now lets start with the nude compression garment that starts just below her bra and extends to just above her knees. She wears it to hold in that little post-preggo pooch and is pleasantly surprised it tames the bloating from taking seconds of the buffet. She's also looking to avoid any underwear lines cause you can be damn sure she isn't sporting no thong. If only she could get those years back she spent lying to herself that they were 'comfortable' while trying to perfect the art of the subtle wedgie readjustment.  Beside, it is very likely that at some point tonight she will be laughing, sneezing, coughing, dancing, singing and/or drinking so she's gotta sport some form of post-delivery bladder protection. Her Spanx aren't just a wardrobe staple, they are a chaos stabilizer.

So here she is, it's 8:47 and she is reapplying her lipstick and double fisting coffee and a Tom Collins hopeful for a second wind. If she were home right now she and the hubby would be curled up in PJs on the couch watching New Girl while he brings her a glass of wine and mistakes her wool nursing pads on the coffee table for coasters - but she won't correct him, that would ruin the mood.

By 9:39 she's changed into some more practical shoes, some flats she brought 'just in case'.  The coffee has gone straight to her brain and the gin straight to her bladder. Good thing she came prepared.  She rocks out a few dance moves only to find that every time she swings her torso her bosom throbs with pain. She didn't bring a pump, but the only one complaining is her and her husband is hitting on her like an 18 year old with misdemeanor and a motorcycle outside an all-girls catholic school.

They've finally played some Salt n Peppa by 11:34 and she's pretty certain she pulled a muscle while she gyrated her body unearthing her most seductive decade old dance moves. Yes the sprinkler can be seductive.  Her husband puts his arm around her - half to prop himself up and half to get comfortable while he sets in to have a conversation with her cleavage. She whispers to him that she would die for some waffles about now. He runs his hand through her sagging curls, smiles and says 'one more drink'. He knows this is code for 'leave with me now and get waffles and possibly sex if we can both stay awake, or find your own way home and no waffles or sex for a good week - cause that's how long it will take me to recover from this hangover'.

The next morning her husband tells her she looked hot last night.  She tells at him to quit yelling and chases her leftover waffles with Gatorade and Advil. She gives him a knowing smile and excuses herself to the bathroom where she curls up in front of the toilet on some towels. It is in this sweet warm oasis that she has the most intense 17 minute nap only to be woken by her toddler squealing through the hallways shouting MEEEE! (aka Mom).  As she brushes her teeth she looks hard into the mirror at the mom in PJs with a messy bob staring back at her.  This lady who wears whatever is clean and comfortable. She alternates the leg she shaves to put some effort in but to also save shower time. She has really settled into this place of routine and functional footwear and acknowledges it's time to bring the sexy back.

As the days pass, that sexy lady with the heels and lipstick seems like someone familiar she merely passed on the street. Then her 20 month old niece points at her hot pink nursing bra in the laundry pile and exclaims "nice booby thing Aunty", she smirks with confirmation that she has indeed brought sexy back. Besides, the hot pink nursing bra practically passes as lingerie. I mean, pair it with a full briefed hot pink panty and you oughta know that mom is G2G!



Jess Burrell - Save Your Fork There's Pie said...

*Slow claps* Oh my god! I loved every second of this! It's hilarious and SO TRUE!! Bravo mama... Bravo.

Shawna said...

Oh the slow clap is going straight to my head! A little taste of freedom, lipstick and table wine goes a long way for this gal.

Linda Unwin said...

So, Shawna, we should expect to see you looking hot and sexy about March of 2015, huh? Honey, you're so beautiful, you make those pj bottoms look sexy!